Epilogue – Week of May 4th


On my Facebook “newsfeed” I saw something that made me think back to when I delivered pizzas in college. It really wasn’t a bad job. It kept me fed and I went home with cash each night. Well, one afternoon some friends and I decided mid-afternoon was as good of a time to party as any. The only downside was that I was supposed to work that night.

Feeling a micron of guilt I decided I should call and say I couldn’t come in. But why? I felt like I needed a good excuse. And that day gave birth to my greatest excuse ever; one that I used for years after and shared with anyone that would listen. The excuse – explosive diarrhea.

It’s airtight. If you have the balls to tell someone that, then there is zero percent chance you will get any pushback. Not even the worst boss would say, “I don’t care! Get in here and shit your pants!”

Explosive diarrhea as an excuse is one of my greatest creations.

Fast forward 20 years and the story has an ironic asterisk. My kids were sick all winter. And as much as I hoped I could avoid all of their illnesses it wasn’t possible. One day at work the shits started to take over. I actually felt pretty fine, but I had explosive diarrhea. I laughed at the irony.

How many days in my youth had I claimed explosive diarrhea? Now, at work, I didn’t want to admit it. I just left and worked from home. To me, it was the all-time funniest bout of diarrhea. I laughed every time I shit. I laughed a lot that day.

What the fuck? Seriously. What the fuck?

At first, based on the title, I thought it was a Flesh and Color set (I think he’s edited it since I first saw it.) Then, in the auction description it says:

Personal child good collection of two complete sets. Counted over 230 each Pink and coloured. Didn’t see doubles. Can’t confirm exact set but were complete before.

Are you fucking shitting me? Even with the ring figures and Satan Cross it might be the most ridiculous auction I have ever seen. Do you know why he’s not Asshole of the Week? Because I can’t believe it’s real. Even the dumbest fucking sellers (and we’ve seen some) aren’t this crazy.

Consider this, right now there is an auction for a full-set (every color made, including the Class A Purple). It has a BIN of $119. Is that a lot? Yes, of course it is.

But I believe the $119 is actually a steal. Purple #2 is a Class A figure, cool, and popular to boot.

But maybe $119 vs. $1000 is a bad comparison. Here’s another example, this is a full set of #153 “Claws” – including the Purple #153. This lot has a $850 BIN.

Again, is that a lot of money? Sure. But if I look at this and then I look at this – there’s no question in my mind.

If I have $1,000 to waste, then I’m going to waste it on…Jesus – anything but M.U.S.C.L.E. figures.

I am shocked. Sure there are a few Class A figures, but I thought the opening bid would be a VERY high ending price.
A fun, mixed lot with MUSCLEMANIA. Hopefully soon to be bath toys (for the kids, not me.)
The game isn’t in bad shape, but I think my offer would be $22.
Know what I had more than the price? The lie, “NEVER PLAYED WITH MATTEL M.U.S.C.L.E. MEN.”
With the MUSCLEMANIA figure, I would consider this lot. Seriously.
Remember when we used to laugh at Ninja Mite prices? I miss that.
What?!?! People aren’t fighting over that Class B?
If you didn’t do a quick scan for a Non-Poster, then you probably have a healthy collecting habit.
I assume the one watcher is waiting for the price to drop.
$5 for 40 Flesh. Not bad.
Did he take this picture upside down and then rotate it?
“…rare seriese!” Really? Tell me more.
It’s a beautiful window box. You don’t need to keyword SPAM.
Speaking for all of Michigan – sorry about the price on this one.
Either the picture has been messed with or those are the brightest Green figures ever.
I want to buy lots like these and leave them in playgrounds. My kids flip when that happens.
I actually like price tags, but is that one sun-faded?
$0.10 each – this is why I love price tags. They tell a great story.
This might be one of the saddest looking M.U.S.C.L.E. pictures ever. Forever alone.
If this guy started the Alien Wrestlers at $0.99 I believe they’d sell for right around his asking price.
I actually struggle to get my kids out of the bath (probably because of all the awesome M.U.S.C.L.E. figures), this might actually help.

Ok. Fuck you AOTW #12. This is a M.U.S.C.L.E. website and I’m sick of your MIMP bullshit. I keep an eye on things and it’s clear that your piss needs to be tested. If you’re doping, then you’re out. I want a pure AOTW tournament. If we are pointing out assholes, then we need to follow the rules. We’re not god-damn cheating animals.

Whoa. That got away from me.

Here’s the next AOTW match-up of 2014. Don’t forget to vote in the upper right hand corner.

vs.

People that have known me for some time would probably be shocked if I didn’t include something Star Wars for a “May the 4th” Epilogue. I’m also not very clever, so I am including something.

Chris Hardwick’s Nerdist put out a third “girls having a lightsaber battle video.” I wasn’t impressed. In fact, I was offended. Not because of the sexualization of Star Wars – although I’ve never understood that either. Seeing a hot girl, wearing next to nothing, with a Boba Fett helmet does nothing for me. It just seems…weird. Slave Leia makes perfect sense, but sexy Stormtrooper doesn’t. But who am I to judge? Kink away my friends.

What offended me was its stupidity. I liked the Kenner Commercial premise, but it doesn’t pay off. It ends up just being a tired vehicle to set-up the 80’s and have some vintage figures be “force thrown.” I thought the overuse of the Wilhelm Scream was the worst part. I imagine they were going for wink-wink-see-what-we-did-there, but ended up with LOOK-WE’RE-TOTALLY-STAR-WARS-FANS-TOO!!!

Watch it (if you haven’t already) and tell me what you think.

I feel kind of bad now. If a lady wearing a Boba Fett helmet is your thing, then god bless you. Let me try and even things out by posting a completely gratuitous woman that I think is super-hot. My tastes are pretty simple.